I’m the mom who is currently googling “Can I get arrested for yelling at my kids” because I’m pretty sure my neighbors are terrified of me.
Let me paint the picture for you…
I stayed up late last night editing for my online business. I didn’t finish or meet my deadline and fell asleep on my computer. Now I am up early rushing with the kids because we have to leave by 8am. My kids (4 & 6yrs old) weren’t programmed with the gene to move quickly in the morning. But they can get into a play fight that results in sister hurting brother. Brother is crying. I get mad. I yell. Sister is crying now…..
The sneakers that I tripped over at bedtime have somehow separated and one is completely gone. Vaporized! (Like thanos and the infinity gauntlet!) EFFFFF!!!! We are now 10 minutes late. The single sneaker is still at large and so is my patience. I throw the other sneaker across the room into a pile of maybe clean and maybe dirty clothes.
“Why is this room like this?!” I yell at the top of my lungs. Can my kids really answer this question?
I carry this anger for the rest of the day. It breeds and multiplies into an unhappy cloud that lives over my head. It rains down more negativity as I feed it. I feed it my failures as a business owner, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a wife, as a woman.
The worst part is that I am too rushed and too tired to care.
<pause to wipe the tears clouding my vision and wetting my laptop keyboard>
The older wiser women in my tribe assure me, “This is a difficult phase in life. It will get better.”
My answer: When??!?!?
I drastically changed my life last year to try to benefit my family!
I quit my traditional job to focus on my business. The freedom and creativity opened the door for me to homeschool my children. We moved across states to live near the mountains and spend more time outside. We moved into a tiny house to live out our minimalist dreams. I got everything I asked for.
So why am I still so angry?
Because I am anxious. My anxiety manifests as anger: yelling, loud “uuggghhhs”, frustrated attitudes and shaming everyone around me. My anxiety also causes me to take on too much responsibility. I aim for the stars and also expect to BE the rocket that takes me there.
I don’t ask for help or hire out what I can delegate. I don’t trust God or the universe to deliver.
I’m a “one-woman-show” like many other foolish millennial moms.
IT. IS. KILLING ME.
I’m drowning in daily anger because while IT IS possible to “have it all” it’s not possible (or healthy) to DO it all.
As I’m typing this, I’m racking my brain – trying to think of what I can give up. What can I delegate to my husband, friends and family? What can I “give up on” that really isn’t that important.
“Doing something meaningless well, it not success.” – some dude on a podcast I can’t remember.
Maybe we don’t eat healthy every day. Maybe the kids room stays a mess. Maybe I don’t feel guilty for asking someone to take something off my plate. Maybe the kids watch the iPad while I sit on the deck in silence for 5-30 minutes. Maybe I’m late to everything but my kids won’t be crying and emotionally crushed. Maybe I make 25% less than I did last quarter. And maybe….. I am ok with it….
Half of my anxiety is the pressure of what I think I’m failing at. Maybe my only failure is choosing the anxious anger over a happy life.
I don’t want to waste the rest of my 30s (and my kids childhood) being angry.
I’m calling out to you moms and dads who might be choosing the angry life as well. Maybe we picked it up from our parents or life’s hard knocks. But let’s not share it with our kids. Can we commit to at least recognizing our addiction and trying to give it up?
Who wants to join my army of less angry, less anxious parents?
Friends, please keep me accountable of my anger addiction. I’ve only got 1 life, 1 family and 2 kids who love me unconditionally. I don’t wanna F- it up anymore.
I love you and will help with anything you need. You know that, just ask. I love you!
Love you, thank you for your support.
This is so good Meg! I, too, am racking my brain on what I can give up to free up my commitments and my mental space. Yesterday, I thought that I could give up Bible Study, and today after going, I was like, “I can’t give that up!” I don’t have the answer, but I know our kids are so LOVED even though we sometimes suck. I love you, and I love this refreshing, challenging post!
Oh, I hear you. You are the most involved and accomplished mother I have ever met. Thank you for stopping by and supporting me in this struggle
I had to chuckle at the vaporized shoe because I can still remember two distinctive times, one with each child, where we had shoes each time disappear into thin air in the backseat of our car ! One of the times was with my son who was in kindergarten. When we got to the school, I had just finished loudly exclaiming in an exasperated voice: ‘Well what did you do with the shoe ?’ When I looked up to see a guy I knew from high-school who was very involved with the church that hosted the pre-school program, smiling with a quizzical look on his face. ( Leaving me feeling like an idiot ! ) The second time though was the total killer. I had arrived at Dadeland mall and was about to take my 4 mo. old daughter into Penney’s for a photo appointment, when I noticed that the cute little lace booties she had been wearing were gone ! I could not imagine how they could disappear in a car, during a 10 minute drive! Not wanting her pictures to show as my son’s had at that age, that she didn’t have any shoes on, I rushed into Penney’s and for once luckily had time to buy a pair of booties for the picture…(though they weren’t as cute as the errant pair.) I rushed in for the photo with my heart-rate and blood pressure over the moon. When we got the photos back…I was totally chagrined to find that the photographer hadn’t taken a single picture that included her feet ! It may sound trite and over-repeated, but there are so many things we worry about that really won’t matter a bit in the end. And it really is so much better to just try to relax and laugh, and enjoy every second of having them home and little. Mine have flown the coop now, and I still miss having them around all the time ! I enjoyed them a lot, but I just wish I could have been a whole lot more relaxed during the process.
I hear you!
I love this post and your openness. It’s so easy to see someone’s photos and think, man, she has got it all together — and then instantly compare your struggles to that one moment in time. But the reality is, we all struggle, fear, and have anxiety, including me. As we start to consider growing our family, this post means a lot to me! Love you, girl, you can totally do this!
Wow Monica, this means smooch coming from you. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read. I support you in your own journey as well
I’m finally not alone, sometimes I feel like no one understands or gets it. But you do. Thank you for writing this!
You are so welcome Jessica. Thank you for commenting and making me feel like I’m not alone in this journey.
I feel we have so much pressure from society on us to provide our children everything but we forget all they want is our time and our love. They only know what we show them. They don’t understand “stuff” and pressure, those things are taught. I believe by being vulnerable with them and teaching them simplicity we break the cycle. But we also forget to tell ourselves we are doing a good job, we are human, and we don’t have to do it all, just do our best. You are an amazing Mom and I am in awe of you….you’re doing a great job!
Oh gosh Kim, yes yes and yes. I thank you for your words. Being vulnerable is step 1. Thank you for the encouragement so I don’t feel like a complete failure!