I’m the mom who is currently googling “Can I get arrested for yelling at my kids” because I’m pretty sure my neighbors are terrified of me.
Let me paint the picture for you…
I stayed up late last night editing for my online business. I didn’t finish or meet my deadline and fell asleep on my computer. Now I am up early rushing with the kids because we have to leave by 8am. My kids (4 & 6yrs old) weren’t programmed with the gene to move quickly in the morning. But they can get into a play fight that results in sister hurting brother. Brother is crying. I get mad. I yell. Sister is crying now…..
The sneakers that I tripped over at bedtime have somehow separated and one is completely gone. Vaporized! (Like thanos and the infinity gauntlet!) EFFFFF!!!! We are now 10 minutes late. The single sneaker is still at large and so is my patience. I throw the other sneaker across the room into a pile of maybe clean and maybe dirty clothes.
“Why is this room like this?!” I yell at the top of my lungs. Can my kids really answer this question?
I carry this anger for the rest of the day. It breeds and multiplies into an unhappy cloud that lives over my head. It rains down more negativity as I feed it. I feed it my failures as a business owner, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a wife, as a woman.
The worst part is that I am too rushed and too tired to care.
<pause to wipe the tears clouding my vision and wetting my laptop keyboard>
The older wiser women in my tribe assure me, “This is a difficult phase in life. It will get better.”
My answer: When??!?!?
I drastically changed my life last year to try to benefit my family!
I quit my traditional job to focus on my business. The freedom and creativity opened the door for me to homeschool my children. We moved across states to live near the mountains and spend more time outside. We moved into a tiny house to live out our minimalist dreams. I got everything I asked for.
So why am I still so angry?
Because I am anxious. My anxiety manifests as anger: yelling, loud “uuggghhhs”, frustrated attitudes and shaming everyone around me. My anxiety also causes me to take on too much responsibility. I aim for the stars and also expect to BE the rocket that takes me there.
I don’t ask for help or hire out what I can delegate. I don’t trust God or the universe to deliver.
I’m a “one-woman-show” like many other foolish millennial moms.
IT. IS. KILLING ME.
I’m drowning in daily anger because while IT IS possible to “have it all” it’s not possible (or healthy) to DO it all.
As I’m typing this, I’m racking my brain – trying to think of what I can give up. What can I delegate to my husband, friends and family? What can I “give up on” that really isn’t that important.
“Doing something meaningless well, it not success.” – some dude on a podcast I can’t remember.
Maybe we don’t eat healthy every day. Maybe the kids room stays a mess. Maybe I don’t feel guilty for asking someone to take something off my plate. Maybe the kids watch the iPad while I sit on the deck in silence for 5-30 minutes. Maybe I’m late to everything but my kids won’t be crying and emotionally crushed. Maybe I make 25% less than I did last quarter. And maybe….. I am ok with it….
Half of my anxiety is the pressure of what I think I’m failing at. Maybe my only failure is choosing the anxious anger over a happy life.
I don’t want to waste the rest of my 30s (and my kids childhood) being angry.
I’m calling out to you moms and dads who might be choosing the angry life as well. Maybe we picked it up from our parents or life’s hard knocks. But let’s not share it with our kids. Can we commit to at least recognizing our addiction and trying to give it up?
Who wants to join my army of less angry, less anxious parents?
Friends, please keep me accountable of my anger addiction. I’ve only got 1 life, 1 family and 2 kids who love me unconditionally. I don’t wanna F- it up anymore.